We are already in hell

Dear Mr Francis Mphepo,

Forgive my impudence, sir, for not addressing you as honourable. I just have a peculiar disdain for political honorifics because I believe they have a whiff of cheapness about them. A riff-raff who wouldn’t pass off as a ‘mister’ suddenly gets to be called an ‘honourable’ by virtue of holding a political position, irrespective of how obscure it is. So, once again, forgive me; to refer to you as honourable is a bridge too far for my conscience.

Accept my belated congratulations on your being appointed Secretary General — even if it is an acting capacity — of the ruling Democratic Progressive Party. You hold a position that ranks second to President Peter Mutharika in importance and that speaks volumes about the capacity you possess and trust he has in you. My concern, however, is founded on the grounds of capacity. Was your capacity assessed on the basis of managerial acumen or how much venom you are capable of spewing? If it is based on the former, I’m inclined to believe DPP may have chosen the wrong person for the position. If the latter was the consideration, I would be ashamed if I were you because that actually degrades the importance of the position you hold. Leave that to constituency governors; your concern should be about driving policy or coming up one.

But the gusto with which you have taken to your new role would have been scaring were it not comical and misguided. I suggest you slow down.

Last Sunday was particularly tough for you in your new role but I understand you will do anything impress. And based on the audition you conducted last week and the endorsement you received when President Peter Mutharika failed to admonish you, you are well and truly home.

You ranted and raved about a lot of issues but the one that hit home — as a journalist — was your unprovoked attack on the media. We know the DPP, just like all political parties, dreams of an idealistic world where the media doesn’t exist so you can do your shenanigans without let or hindrance. But that would be bad for governance. We don’t particularly like poking our noses where we don’t feel welcome but if all political parties were left to their wiles, this nation would go to the dogs.

What particularly captured my attention was your insinuation that if newspapers have nothing to write about, they should throw themselves into the lake or they should publish their newspapers in hell. Now, either you haven’t been paying too much attention or you don’t care or you are just careless because it appears the truth seems to have eluded you. The lake — and I assume you meant Lake Malawi — is drying up and if we attempted to throw ourselves into the lake, chances are we may not drown.

Your insult, however, reminds me of a similar epithet when a nosy journalist was told off by an official in the Joyce Banda’s regime to throw himself into the Shire River. Take it from me, it wasn’t nice then and I don’t believe yours is any better.

Regarding your suggestion that we should publish our newspapers in hell, well, well, well, you are missing the larger picture here. We are already in hell, so, why should we look for another? The country we live in has been thrown into hell thanks to inimitable efforts of the DPP. If you believe for a second that Malawi is paradise on earth you delude yourself, which wouldn’t be surprising of a washed up politician who is desperate to pass the audition. Malawi is hell itself.

A nation where health services are on their knees is hell. A nation where it seems a manual on corruption is issued to children at birth should definitely be hell. A nation where public institutions of higher learning are closed indefinitely is hell. A nation where the leadership is in denial and regards its rule as one long comedy show must be hell.

If your vision of hell is of a pit of fire that burns eternally, look no further than the fires that sprout up all over the place with monotonous regularity. So, seriously, why should we seek another hell when the DPP has created one for us?

No, Mr Francis Mphepo, we are content to publish in the hell we know.